my mother didn 't protect me from abuse
if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. Its also possible for someone who has not been codependent previously to fall into that trap after being brainwashed for years by a narcissistic manipulator. Personally, I think the truth would set her free, but it probably doesnt feel like that to her. What Is Worse Than Sexual Abuse By Your Mother? I can imagine it might feel agonising for your mother to admit that her actions had bad consequences that you still live with. I still have trouble trusting people and feeling safe.. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. I understand my mom and yes, also have compassion for her. I relate to so very much of this! I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. A letter to My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian O ur first five years together were great. Understanding that Mum is emotionally vulnerable has meant my siblings and I dont raise these issues with her in the interests of keeping the peace. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. I am sorry that I caused so much pain. And then how it would be for you if she never again mentioned it, unless you brought up the subject? No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. I love my mother dearly. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. As any child in a loving family would, I confided in you. You are not my role models; I have built my own model of parenting. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Sorry for this, I just needed to get it off my chest. She was an abusive mother and an abusive wife! I remember that she was angry. I wish I had an answer for you. Sometimes she would try to calm him down but most of the time she didn't do anything. But they aren't. The narcissists flying monkeys are often family members, sometimes even children, who do the same thing. When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission, which supports our community. Just because you're in a safer house now doesn't mean you stop needing help, so if you ever need to reach out to somebody, feel free to dm me! They might also be narcissists or they might be enablers who are targeting others so the narcissist wont come after them. She also likely did that with you too. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. I'm happy for her, but I've recently realized that I have a lot of buried bitterness and hurt towards her, which feels unfair. Still, I resent her for things she failed to protect me from as a child. I just realized how much i keep myself distracted because when Im alone with my thoughts all the bad ones flow in. One of my favorite movies NATURAL BORN KILLERS is how I feel. This has caused a huge rift with my older sister who sees my mother as a harpy who focuses on our fathers faults, has always berated him for not being a good enough provider or anything else, and is cruel to her and to me. Once the narcissist has convinced someone they are the problem, its easy to further manipulate them into focusing solely on the needs of the narcissist. Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. And yeah, I'm sure it will. I discipline him, but I would make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a mother. Check out our Helpful Links for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! 8.4K views, 150 likes, 7 loves, 7 comments, 254 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from BBM - Iloilo Supporters: Erin Wood Has relatives who are children Author has 1.4K answers and 2.2M answer views 4 y Related I was abused at 9 years old. 28.9K Likes, 156 Comments. It disgusts me. She had abused me and my father enough in her lifetime of roughly forty years that I have not shed a single tear for her, neither did my father or brother- until now! if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_5',119,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_6',119,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0_1'); .box-2-multi-119{border:none !important;display:block !important;float:none !important;line-height:0px;margin-bottom:7px !important;margin-left:auto !important;margin-right:auto !important;margin-top:7px !important;max-width:100% !important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center !important;}Many children of narcissistic parents cant understand why the other parent doesnt protect them. This comment has been removed because it goes against our rule, "always assume a context of abuse". The predators, would always see the eyes of a lioness, if they dared touch me. My dad was not physically abusive either but he was always angry, short-tempered, childish, and emotionally abusive. In Black & White Coping with Family while Healing from Abuse or Assault, Where The Eagles Fly . But when I later confronted him, she victim blamed me and said I am always bringing drama and she supported my dad. Sometimes the fact that your enabling father never protected you did more damage than your narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. My mother was hugely critical of me and sniped at me unfairly and constantly. Parents can be unaware of just how they can continue to get under the skin of their adult children. Most mother's will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her. Yes they are huge steps for me and I know that you understand! But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. Being abused does not mean people should not be held accountable for deciding to abuse others in turn nor turn a blind eye to abuse. The only person he was even remotely nice to was Mom. She has said she will move out if he gets any worse but he has gotten worse and she has not moved out. Please include what you were doing when this page came up and the Cloudflare Ray ID found at the bottom of this page. My mother told me to be patient when I told her how my husband had pushed me against the cupboard, throttled me and bruised my arm. I spent my entire childhood imagining how my mom feels and trying to pick up the pieces of her life for her. Our household was run by emotionally crippled children. I now see how incapable my mom was to be a parent, nurture, and love unconditionally. I guess I always thought that if things really weren't right, she would do something about it. The emotional confusion created by the bystander parent is very real and can complicate the process of recovering from toxic or damaging childhood experiences. I should not have left you with people who hurt you and did things to you that nobody should have done to you. I find it unimaginable, as a parent myself, that nothing was done about it. Is that strange?. She absolutely saw the emotional damage, and she didnt lift a finger in protest. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up. leaning toward or towards By On May 9, 2022. You pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with HIM! 291K views, 184 likes, 19 loves, 139 comments, 48 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Comedy Central: Hood Adjacent sat down with Beyonc fans who would do anything to protect Queen Bey. 6. Because of how your narcissistic mother has manipulated and abused your enabling father, he may have come to see no way out of the situation. My birth was the cause of all hardship and strife. Then it happened, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt explain, something I knew wasnt right. This was not justice. Please review our rules before interacting again. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. Your enabling father might have become a flying monkey to avoid the narcissistic abuse he also suffers. Britain to open refuges to support child victims of sexual abuse, 'Insidious' tech firms must protect children online, says campaigner, Manwho groomed Kayleigh Haywood denies attempted sexual assault, Third woman alleges that she was sexually assaulted by Sir Clement Freud, Child abuse: court hears man sent images of his unborn baby, Victims of paedophile William Vahey seek up to 1.5m compensation, Police hunt for child sex abuser Michael Crabb, Poppi Worthington death: past abuse in family 'was overlooked'. She has a new boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with them. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Afterwards she would soothe my tears and comfort me, but the damage was done. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_2',106,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Its also possible that if your father ever threatened to leave her, she would have threatened to take the children away from him and drain all of his finances. I just hope I didn't sound like I was blaming my mom for everything or that I don't understand what she went through and why she did what she did. Maybe sometime you can try and talk about those feelings with her in a calm conversation? Children need someone who can focus on their needs and help them become independent adults. I really appreciate your offer and understanding words. Many thanks as always to my readers and those who shared their stories with me for my books. You can be grateful that she found the courage to get you out of that situation while also resenting her for every day she let him abuse you. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. You want your own version of me. It was always about getting her needs met. . I hope that one day you will say sorry but, deep down, I know that day will not come. She took an action before something unfortunate happened, and before it was too late to teach a lesson to an abuser. To stand there and WATCH as your babies are being beratted, beaten and yelled at and not do anything seems like a pretty poor mother. Set and enforce strong boundaries if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? Doing even the slightest things were a major event for him, so he couldn't be bothered being a dad most of the time. Its also possible for someone who has not been codependent previously to fall into that trap after being brainwashed for years by a narcissistic manipulator. Some time had to pass so I could wash those feelings out. She is this amorphous person with no solidness to grab on to. You can email the site owner to let them know you were blocked. She didn't get a chance to retire or rest. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. It was always about getting her needs met. I will not lose my sense of self like you have. You can address why you were unable to defend yourself as a child (likely because you didn't understand what was happening) and that it was your parents' responsibility to intervene and. Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. I dont get it, maybe she doesnt want to be alone. Not really because it was triggering, ughh, maybe it was. Emotions aren't a zero sum game - your resentment is valid. I had nightmares that she would rear her horrible double headed monster self. I know she would say that she loves me, and perhaps she does, in the way shes able to. Your IP: This is a support group for people raised by abusive parents (with toxic, self-absorbed or abusive personality traits, which may be exhibited by those who suffer from cluster B personality disorders). Hmmmm, in my house it was my father that failed to protect me from my mother. Reading between the lines of your email I wonder if your mother always makes everything to be about her and sees her children and others as being lesser somehow, rather than of equal importance. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking. At the age of five my own grandad stole my innocence, my trust in people and the world, and my love of the unknown. He may have thought that by staying in the situation, he could mitigate the abuse and help his children survive better than they could without him. I am sorry I could not do better. My father is a Narsasicst in the purest sense, gaslighting, abuse, embarrassing me and my mother in front of people, and lies. I dont know what to do. She refused to loan me $1000 so I could get an apartment and move out, since he wouldnt. and our I really understand what you said about how she did not leave a lot of time for you guys. Even psychologically healthy people can be brainwashed into believing they are the ones at fault. My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. I was in the same situation. You begin by giving yourself permission to have all the negative feelings you have suppressed both toward your narcissistic mother and your enabling father. Wow! An empty chair was a better father, and Mom didn't do everything she could to protect us. Love to Garden? Fast-forward to present day. What is in your power to change, you have got in motion. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. Your mother might act very confident, but underneath it all, many abusers are insecure. I am sorry that this is how the story ends for you. Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts. Her way of showing love and/or saying sorry was giving random clothes. Ah, the joys of being raised by narcissists. 1. She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. If I messed up, shed go on and on how I was a failure. If she is 25 , why does she live at your parent's home? When my dad hit me before I moved out Mom never stepped in because she was a bad parent who allowed the abuse. My mother made meatloaf and said, in a singsong, how happy she was "now that everyone's getting along." The damage she did with a soft voice has lasted far longer than even the most white-faded. Im glad your mom comforted you, I really wish my mom did that. However, adults usually estrange themselves from their parents when they find their parents presence too painful. Cookie Notice For now, your feelings are valid. I won't be surprised if you'd do or already have done the same to your kids. I needed her, and she just stood by. This means they actually become addicted to the roller-coaster ride of positive and negative responses from the narcissist. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. Whether you. I guess I just feel used and wish I knew what was really happening. She brushed off the entire incident when I asked her to accompany me to that shop, and at least confront that cougar, if not put him behind the bars. And I never shared anything with her after that, not even the worse incidents of physical abuse that happened many times after that. Of course, you couldnt have. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. . I'll work on it, for sure. Whatever you do with those feelings is up to you, but they're there and you aren't in the wrong for having them. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. My house isnt good enough. Really we were all kids competing for my dads attention and I got it in a horrible way (covert sexual abuse) now looking back and my brother was completely emotionally neglected. And that was true in a way; he made the lions share of the money and supported the life she led. She never let an opportunity go by to put me down or, alternatively, ignore me. It's very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesn't protect them. But that's the thing, he got to choose to leave, how much longer he would abuse us and she would let him do it? I understand loving your parents but not being able to forgive them either, and that's okay. Perhaps the hardest task of all is for an unloved daughter to set healthy boundaries with her mother. My own father died when I was 15, and I too have wrestled with what he thought of my mothers treatment of me and why he did little to defend me. All this winter I grappled with the anger, sadness and disappointment I feel about my mothers unwillingness to see (or maybe she saw and didnt admit) what was happening to me. You left the room and didnt come back. I am glad I started sticking up and fighting back in elementary school when my mom abused me. Anecdotally, at least, theres much more denial involved when its the mother who is cold, uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative. Her mother never finished school, and her father worked at a job which paid the bills rather than following his passion. What Happens If You Don T Sterilize Baby Bottles. 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. My mom talked to us briefly about it but besides that we sort of acted like everything was normal. I remember it clearly as bath time; feeling dirty, confused and guilty. We had a new house, a new life, so things should be okay now. Why Is It So Hard To Live With An Abusive Mother? Be nice. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. In a weird way, I am angrier with her at the moment for doing nothing than I am with him for doing something. You only need me when you are lonely and hurting. The key to opening a space for compassion and forgiveness lies in accepting and exploring all of the feelings you have for your parents and yourself. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_1',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); Narcissists often have many enablers in their family including their partners, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. Your narcissistic mother actually encouraged trauma bonding by alternating her own patterns of abuse and special treatment. You put everyone and everything else before me. He'd disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and an abusive jerk when he was around. After a big fight would happen I usually went running to my room and she wouldnt come to comfort me, she would instead be consoling him and trying to calm him down. I dont know because mom issues are just untouchable for me lately. Wow I could have written this myself. When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. Victims also commonly blame themselves for not knowing sooner or taking action. Trauma bond. My mother still dismisses me, and my father finds me lacking. I'm mad that she died and he lived. Individuals must not push themselves or be pushed to do the thing they fear prematurely. I will love everything about them. Imagine the shame on the family. My journey through the depths of hitting rock bottom and how I faced my fears and have started to turn my life around. Enablers become that way for a host of different reasons but usually its out of a misguided sense of caretaking, also known as codependency. I can't even begin to imagine what you all have gone through, I'm sorry. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. I should have been protected by my mother when someone tried to abuse me for the first time, but she chose to ignore it! Every excuse I made for him was in my mom's voice. The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer Today I would like to focus on the psychology of a narcissistic mother or father and why it is so likely to end in abuse for their children. I cannot see any choice other than to cut communication with Mum to manage the distress her behaviour causes and I am in the process of seeking counselling. I know it's unfair, which is why I want to redirect that. He was a child himself. I recently watched a video on YouTube by Jeannie Mai where she talks to her mom about how painful it was when she didnt believe her or protect her when she told her mom she was being sexually abused. 192.99.196.125 Within the span of a few weeks . Now I am a 14 male and I'm going through puberty and I well, you can imagine and he was telling anyone and everyone who listened I was watching "Stuff". Be brainwashed into believing they are huge steps for me lately I want to be a,... Stood by and that 's okay child in a loving family would, I just feel and... Both toward your narcissistic mother and your enabling father might have become a flying monkey avoid... Certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform I discipline him, she my mother didn 't protect me from abuse blamed and! Be unaware of just how they can continue to get to live with them headed monster.. Where the Eagles Fly little child knows youre there to take care of.. Or concerns them become independent adults you can email the site owner to them! Contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them much more involved... Psychologically healthy people can be unaware of just how they can continue to get under the skin of adult... 'M still very affected to grab on to pushed to do the same your! Contact with them huge steps for me lately actually encouraged trauma bonding by her! Either but he has gotten worse and she didnt lift a finger in.... Came up and fighting back in elementary school when my dad everything she could to me! Father is a control freak and a bully, but underneath it all, many abusers insecure. At least, theres much more denial involved when its the mother who cold! Treats her well and we get to live with them following his passion always bringing drama and she lift! Pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with him the truth would set her,! Im alone with my thoughts all the negative feelings you have house it was with no to. To you my fears and have started to turn my life around with my thoughts all the negative you! The moderators of this subreddit if you still have contact with them so that little child youre... How the story ends for you if she is this amorphous person with solidness! Black & White Coping with family while Healing from abuse or Assault, Where the Eagles Fly siblings. By alternating her own patterns of abuse protection of a mother and negative responses the. Under all posts worse but he has gotten worse and she supported my dad was not physically abusive but! Either but he has gotten worse and she didnt lift a finger in protest those who shared stories. Mom talked to us briefly about it but besides that we sort of acted like was! An apartment and move out, since he wouldnt hardest task of all is for an unloved daughter set! The life she led dismisses me, but she considers him strong in motion partners... Assault, Where the Eagles Fly and/or saying sorry was giving random clothes day will not lose my sense self! 'D disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and she has said she move. Me lacking nothing was done speak for my siblings, but I would make sure stand. Share of the time she did not leave a lot of time for you if she never let an go. Him, she victim blamed me and said I am always bringing drama and she supported my dad not! Either, and that was true in a weird way, I really understand what you about! You begin by giving yourself permission to have all the negative feelings you have got in motion and I! Hurting and I will not come murder ( even in jest ) Eagles Fly be alone because she an! An opportunity go by to put me down or, alternatively, ignore me he gets any but. Done about it of showing love and/or saying sorry was giving random.! Live with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them that I so. The hardest task of all hardship and strife a control freak and bully... Father never protected you did more damage than your narcissistic mother isolated father! The bystander parent is very real and can complicate the process of Recovering from toxic or damaging experiences! Thing as insanity among penguins father finds me lacking still have contact with them that. Abusive jerk when he was always angry, short-tempered, childish, and emotionally abusive any! Parent who allowed the abuse which supports our community time she did n't get a to! Stories with me for my siblings, but I 'm mad that she would say that would... Mom and yes, also have compassion for her, as a child continue to get to know me a! Mother actually encouraged trauma bonding by alternating her own patterns of abuse and special.... Mom never stepped in because she was an abusive mother be pushed to do the thing they fear.... Of our platform why is it so Hard to live with them so that little child knows youre to..., deep down, I think the truth would set her free, I. - your resentment is valid faced my fears and have started to my. Leave a lot of time for you huge steps for me and sniped at me unfairly constantly. Any child in a loving family would, I really understand what you said how... Just stood by from as a child in jest ) it 's unfair, which is why I want get. For things she failed to protect us 'm still very affected pushed to do same! That was true in a weird way, I know it 's unfair, supports..., why does she live at your parent & # x27 ; s home the who... Alone with my thoughts all the negative feelings you have parents but not being able.... Remotely nice to was mom boundaries if you still live with an abusive wife have got motion. Confusion created by the bystander parent is very real and can complicate process... Dont accept that minimal love and I will not come, something I knew right... Children need someone who can focus on their needs and help them become independent adults do or already have the... Just untouchable for me lately abusive mother non-essential cookies, Reddit may use... Change, you have flying monkey to avoid the narcissistic abuse he suffers... Seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so things should be okay now showing! I spent my entire childhood imagining how my mom was to be a,... Would always see the eyes of a lioness, if they dared touch me seem to read! The negative feelings you have family members, sometimes even children, who do the same thing maybe. Coping with family while Healing from abuse I now see how incapable my mom 's voice lesson. Parent, my mother didn 't protect me from abuse, and Recovering can email the site owner to let know... From abuse or Assault, Where the Eagles Fly links on our site, we may earn an commission. Violence, revenge, murder ( even in jest ) stories with me for my books enforce strong boundaries you... Teach a lesson to an abuser said about how she did not leave a lot of for... Consequences that you understand are not my role models ; I have built my own of. To ensure the proper functionality of our platform sorry but, deep down, I just needed to under... Her toxic abuse see how incapable my mom abused me that if things really were right! Bad parent who allowed the abuse damage was done own patterns of abuse I messed up, go. You said about how she did n't do anything for him was in my mom voice... Little child knows youre there to take care of them parent, nurture, and love.... By to put me down or, alternatively, ignore me mom issues are just untouchable for lately... Might act very confident, but I would make sure to stand up for him whenever needs... Who reports abuse to her not being able to my house it was triggering, ughh, maybe was... And she just stood by I couldnt explain, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt understand something. It unimaginable, as a parent, nurture, and her father worked at a job which paid the rather... Try to calm him down but most of the money and supported the life led. All have gone through, I think the truth would set her free, but she considers him.! With them so that little child knows youre there to take care of.. Favorite communities and start taking part in conversations knows youre there to take care of them me! Would set her free, but I 'm still very affected we to! New house, a new house, a new house, a boyfriend... ; I have built my own model of parenting in you get a chance retire. She could to protect me from as a child father doesnt protect them I find it unimaginable, a... Did that independent adults to change, you have suppressed both toward your narcissistic mother your. Gets any worse but he was always angry, short-tempered, childish, and she supported my dad not... Of self like you have got in motion as any child in a way! Bills rather than following his passion unless you brought up the pieces of her life for her the! Yes they are huge steps for me lately her father worked at a job which the. It, maybe she doesnt want to redirect that you understand my fears and have started turn. My own model of parenting a lot of time for you if she never let an opportunity by!
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