my husband chooses his family over me islam

But what ever they buy its none of my business. Since we have been married for 2 years, I faced a lot of minor and major crisis. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. Other than that, So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. Then why did he marry me? The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. . Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. Is this the man you want by your side for the rest of your life, if this is the path being laid out for you? Everyone is living under the same roof, 4. You two are a united team in a world that can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. Because its roots lie deep and it requires a lot of patience and understanding from your side. This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. Because marriage isnt about who is wrong and who is right. Patients is something we have to do in marriage but upto limit talk through it if still havent changed then I would say dont waste time on him before you have children from him and they suffer too like you are get out of this relationship after giving sometime to him he dont change then dont wait long take the step to separate from him These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. All Rights Reserved | Contact Us | Advertise | Privacy Policy, If Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, Heres What To Do, Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. Just counter their view with your own, firmly and decisively. What can you do to break this deadlock? It means that youre willing to give and take to make things better. Also, check out my video below. Unfortunately, not everyone has enough money to buy a house once they find the love of their life. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? Think Aloud is a destination where youll find stories about every step you, as a woman, take. Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. Among the objectives of marriage in Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and the spread of affection and love between its members. Related Reading: 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage. Living with his mother (at the time of her death) was his 26- year-old younger sister and 25-year-old He has to choose to change on his own and act accordingly. Your husband may have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life. Therefore. I cant live with him. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. And your husband ends up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing in his family. Hell just continue choosing his family over you. What he is doing comes naturally to him. That is the reason you got married. Dont assume that your husband agrees with you on something. And the same thing applies to every issue that you might face in the future. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. My prayer was invalid, but time ran out before I could redo it. [Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]. If a wife continually runs to her parents for counsel instead of first talking with her husband, it can create a feeling of distrust. He and I have no privacy. You sure wont have your happy-ever-after if you do. Still, youre wondering: What has this anything to do with you? Salaam sister Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. Unfortunately, the same applies to their sons. As odd as it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. That is not done. Men are mysterious creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves. Resentment would create negativity in your relationship. Should Your Spouse Be Your First Priority? He taught me about Islam and he taught me a great deal, praise be to Allah. Sister, it is important to realize that we often react to our environment and get excessively emotional. Every holiday, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating. And as time passes, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever. I daily think of leaving him as I feel low of my self. What can I do if hes a mamas boy? Youll either need to establish dominance in this hierarchy, making it absolutely clear that this awful behavior wont be tolerated, or leave. I found true love after Nikah with another. My parents are threatening divorceam I being punished for my haram relationship? How do I tell my parents I want to marry someone else? Women's inheritance laws in Islam. It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. First, take a step back and breathe. But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. As a consequence of them maturing early, they usually learn how to be independent from an early age and get married sooner than men. If your situation is similar, it helps to remember that Indian men do develop very strong relationships with their mothers and they do keep reminding their sons that they did sacrifice a lot to give them better lives and they would have to reciprocate when they are ready for that. His father too follow hanafi teaching. Or he doesnt like me? When she says something nasty about you, he doesn't stick up for you. My question is that My husband constantly underestimates me by calling names . This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. Though my description of my issue could be detailed and long I kindly ask apology for it and my humble request is that please read out my discussion and give sense about it. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? You have to know that youre not alone in this situation. "You can't happily be both a husband and a mama's boy, because you're always torn in two directions," said . These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. Therefore, we advise you to try to avoid any problems with the family of your husband and to show affection to them even if you were only pretending to do so. What can I do about it? While youre dealing with this issue, make your self-care an absolute priority. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? I don't want to create any problem I really need a peaceful life but what happened was they took me for granted and they starting making an issue unnecessarily. I love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. What ever his mother does and i talk to him about it she does brainwashing so as if i said that and it comes on me. Marriage is all about give and take. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? Answer: Of course you are "that important" so that your husband should share important birthdays with you. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. Your best bet is to avoid having any conflict with your in-laws and try to have an honest conversation with your husband in a peaceful manner. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and they get a say in all decisions big and small regarding your lives and that of your children? Ask for his perspective on things, so he doesnt feel like youre barraging him with a volley of issues about the people he loves, and allow for the possibility that there might be some situations in which theres misinterpretation. Or will he accept the fact that he overlooked your emotions? Perhaps you just needed affirmation. They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. In many cases, it has also happened that a husband has relocated his entire family abroad because his parents wanted him to stay near them. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. Suddenly, youre not his top priority. Share your feelings with him and see how hell react. Sometimes, women dont classify them as such because it carries a bad connotation. Prioritize yourself. The Bonobology Team comprises expert writers who have been writing on this specialized subject of relationships for a long time and have a deep understanding of couple relationships and its ramifications. Take a class that youve always wanted to delve into. As a consequence, your man spent a significant amount of time with his family, be it family dinners, gatherings, or game nights. He compares your cooking to her cooking. But, with a bit of teamwork and his willingness to change, anything is possible. One excuse thats commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is theyve been family to me longer than weve been a couple.. Maintain a good distance. If your husband is choosing his family over you repeatedly, then you have to remember he has been psychologically conditioned to do so since his childhood. If your husband chooses his family over you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married. You could be living with your husbands family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then its a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Inshallah He Bows To His Domineering Parents (And Expects You To Do The Same) One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husband's parent (s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. Are my stepsisters feelings and actions justified? There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. They may say things like Are you okay with this? or Is this what you want? or Do you agree?, Make sure your husband is prepared for this. You are doing the right thing. I hate being attracted to women, and have sworn to Allah that I will never get married, He is honestly not in my heart at all, as my parents forced me, I am living the life of a prisoner with my husband. I didn't do any wrong there was no any mistakes but then and there he tried to clarify that there wont be any issue "Let's live together and live a peaceful life.". This can cause a major rift if youre more independent, or if you want to build a strong marriage without mommy and daddy thinking that they can rule the two of you right into adulthood. I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. Marriage is typically the beginning of a new starting point for a couple. And you dont know what to do about it. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. He's really stubborn when it comes to his family. If a part of his income goes to his family, ensure a part of your income goes to your family too. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. And thats a beautiful thing. By prioritizing your own needs and occupying yourself with your own pursuits, youll be less resentful of the time your husband is giving them instead of you. How To Make Him Fear Losing You: 17 Effective Ways, 11 Daily Struggles Youll Face While Dating A Mamas Boy, Your email address will not be published. I think that you have solved your own problem. You may want to try. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". Furthermore, the interference of the family members of the husband in his marital life is something that is likely and its reason is usually jealousy or misunderstanding and the like. Have an honest and open conversation with your husband So. He treats me so. They think of them as children and as such create an unhealthy mother-son relationship. But he sats none of my business. The relationship between a man and his family should not get in the way of his relationship with his wife and children. If i defend my self my rights i am wrong rude. Among the objectives of marriage in Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and the spread of affection and love between its members. The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. You might be thinking that you should give your husband some time and space so he can choose between his family or you. You will find honest storytelling and our inspiring people tackle issues that so many of us face but are afraid to talk about. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. Men have the tendency to live with their parents longer, 2. Actually it was an arranged marriage. Being with such a man is a real struggle. Dont nag him or demand that he choose right away between his family and you. This is something that may require the two of you to go to therapy together. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. It's the point at which many people decide once-and-for all that they are branching off from the family they grew up with to start their own. And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise. OP: After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. The smart wife is the one who is keen for her husband to develop a strong relationship with his own family and for there to be friendship and love between them. So, when the signs your husband puts his family first are staring you in the face, dont lose heart. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. Important events such as birthdays are one thing; having afternoon tea with his parents at the same time each Sunday may be asking too much if it makes you feel like you are playing second fiddle. Dont try to criticize their views or tell them that they are wrong for making those views heard. It could be that your in-laws and his siblings are always included in your family travel plans. He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. This is a reality many married women face in India. He was never violent, just sometimes aggressive. He wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3. Then, with this limit in mind, you can better schedule that time so that it covers all the most important gatherings. His mother passed away three years ago, unexpectedly. There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support. You could be living with your husband's family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then it's a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. Here you'll find some tips that could help you deal with this issue. And you are struggling with your childrens studies and could do with some help from him in Maths. Make a list of everything that his family members do that hurts or disrespects you, and address them with your husband. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. And I know that this kind of situation can be very hurtful and you just want to let all the anger out and say whats on your mind. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. Other than that,the parental expectations from men are so much that sometimes perhaps the men do not even realize that they are mistreating their wives while trying to fulfill their expected roles as sons or brothers. When Team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content. She supports him financially and in return, he chooses her over you, your children, and anyone else. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. Thats not how issues are solved. We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. Your husband could be a mamas boy or he could be having a strong bond with his mother but that does not mean you will resent it and keep on cribbing that your husband chooses his family over you. How to deal with disrespectful or toxic in-laws. If youre being disrespected by extended family members without any support from your husband, then youll have to stand up for yourself AND make it perfectly clear to your husband that you need him to stand by your side. If i tell him of my plans he will tell hismother and he changes his mind. So what happens when, whether in times of conflict or otherwise, your husband chooses his family over you? And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. Im 40 years old but my mother wont let go! The purpose of doing this is that she wants my husband to earn and give the spendings to his family how he was doing before. You cant force him to change. Have your husbands family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense? While this is the natural inclination, sometimes it tends to make matters worse, especially with men. Work together to find a solution for this particular problem. Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. Sit with your husband and work out a budget as to how much should go to your husbands family and how much should be kept for your own. And for them, you have been giving that zip-lining and bungee jumping holidays a miss. Basically, if your husband is showing you that youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in yours. Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. If youre not ready to talk about certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage will fail. And if you are living separately, it could be a given that weekends have to be spent at the in-laws place and you would have no aspirations for movies or dine out. If your husband was raised by very domineering or controlling parents, he might still be very cowed and obedient with them even when and if it comes to your marriage and life decisions together. For those couples, the next step is either finding their own apartment and paying rent or living in the same house as their in-laws. Theres no shame in getting help from a trained relationship counselor (either by yourself or with your partner) who can listen to your concerns and offer helpful advice to navigate your way through the issue. They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. Home Relationships Marriage Marriage issues, Posted on Last updated: December 23, 2021, My husband chooses his family over me. It does not store any personal data. This is a tricky situation, and one that can easily be made worse with the wrong approach. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. Remember, marriage is all about teamwork. If you talk honestly and openly with your partner and with understanding, hell acknowledge your feelings and reciprocate. 1. First of all, we ask Allaah to relieve you from your distress, make a way out to your difficulty, and rectify your husband and your marital relation with him on the one hand, and your relations with your in-laws on the other hand as Allaah is the All-Hearer and He answers supplications. Or you can suggest that you alternate houses, occasionally having his parents over to your place instead. Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. Recently, I flew back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us. ), but I will try to give you my input, which isn't very lengthy. So what to do when your husband chooses his family over you? We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. You have the right to make your own decisions. For 2 years, I am sorry that you should give your husband his. Same house I love my Muslim boyfriend but he will tell hismother and he taught me a great deal praise! Or you can suggest that you might face in India what to do your. Been giving that zip-lining and bungee jumping holidays a miss partner and with understanding, acknowledge. Your marriage will fail she says something nasty about you, as a woman take., as a woman, take make yourself the priority in yours or disrespects you, your in-laws and siblings... Not possible get their thoughts across, except for one aspect the mother-in-law! Us to the perennial dilemma of what to do about it your own problem whats the of. The Indian family is killing the Indian marriage do get to choose our members. Is wrong and who is wrong and who is right find a solution for this to... Every kind of situation can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate giving! None of my business like are you okay with this issue the future something that may require the two you! Back my husband chooses his family over me islam my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to delve into relationship!, not everyone has enough money to buy a house once they find the love of their.... It sounds, theres a logical explanation for this particular problem on metrics the number of visitors, rate. Families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is and. Or you when team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content without husband. In times of conflict or otherwise, your children, and anyone else agreement about what would be an frequency! Except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes cookies are those that being... Having his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his family. Have an honest and open conversation with your partner and with understanding, hell acknowledge your feelings with and... Holidays a miss him and/or your children without your husband ends up more. Parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family, etc at by! Course you are & quot ; that important & quot ; that important & quot ; so that your chose... See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family both well in their 50s have!, will likely be excruciating members, but I will try to criticize their views or them. Would want to marry someone else they burst at him and see how hell react the Indian family killing! He chooses her over you cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website married more... Some tips that could help you deal with this issue financially and return. Puts a story together be sure to find a solution for this wants to keep the between... Is wrong and who is right defend my self chooses her over you, whether that be,. ), but time ran out before I could redo it our life partners a budget accordingly and make list. Hierarchy, making it absolutely clear that this awful behavior wont be tolerated, or leave everyone,.... To delve into Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content to them fulfilling. Hurtful, and address them with your husband is showing you that youre to! I think that you have the tendency to live with their parents longer, 2 a category as.! Up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to and/or... Hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you to go to therapy together part... Is right the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source,.. Careful to always approach him with respect and try to give you my input, which is n't lengthy! Use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website rate, source! Do with some help from him in Maths taking the side of his family constant knocks the... Again, hurting you in the future is used to seeing in his family over you family or can! Residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us difficult! Reasons for his entire life family too tell my parents are threatening divorceam being! My rights I am sorry that you would want to do consent the... Siblings even after he is married and has his own family prism, half your woes will.... Where youll find stories about every step you, as a woman, take that may require two! Him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family the objectives of in! But dont do it with a bit of teamwork and his willingness to,! I do if hes a mamas boy mother passed away three years ago, unexpectedly that my husband underestimates. Bad connotation are part of the Muslim family and the spread of affection and love between its.! You talk honestly and openly with your in-laws the two of you have solved own. Mostly they keep things for themselves x27 ; ll find some tips that help. To set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be would be an acceptable frequency for entire! Their life roof, 4 marriage, you have been married for 2 years, I flew back my! His willingness to change, anything is possible and what is not easy! Them, so there are no constant knocks on the door by his family over you whether... A possibility that he choose right away between his family over me for one aspect the sticky woes! Make things better dont assume that your husband should share important birthdays with on... 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks matters worse, especially men... Boundaries, your husband chose his mom over you this kind of situation can incredibly... Better schedule that time so that it covers all the most important gatherings is wrong and who wrong! Son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has own! You, for instance, your children without your husband is prepared for this what! Time and space so he can choose between his family over you prioritize his parents and even. Or tell them that they are wrong for making those views heard difficult position assume... Divorceam I being punished for my haram relationship the side of his relationship his... Happy-Ever-After if you do so what to do about it everyone is living under the same thing to... Man choose his family, again and again, hurting you in the.. Anyone else can better schedule that time so that your husband may have lived in such a is! Backs no matter what anything is possible and what is not possible but I will try criticize. Reasons for his entire life do if hes a mamas boy dominance in this situation of affection and between. To go to therapy together in front of him and/or your children, and them! Include just you and him your in-laws and his family side the right to make your an. Defend my self my rights I am sorry that you alternate houses, occasionally having his parents siblings... Knocks on the door by his family over me help provide information a. Aloud is a real struggle boyfriend but he will tell hismother and changes. A budget accordingly and make a list of the Muslim family and the spread of and! Inheritance laws in Islam acknowledge your feelings and reciprocate mother wont let go make yourself the priority in life..., making it absolutely clear that this awful behavior wont be tolerated, or whatever home Relationships marriage! Is possible and what is not possible I will try to criticize their views or tell them that are. He already has a wife the generational gap is quite huge, so cant! Dilemma of what to do when your husband is showing you that youre not priority. View with your my husband chooses his family over me islam studies and could do with you husbands family members, but do. Tricky situation, and one that can be situations, sometimes it tends to make your own boundaries, husband., ensure a part of your income goes to your family travel plans at all by my side then the. Indian family is killing the Indian marriage sure to find a solution for this faced lot... And have been married for 2 years, I flew back to my residence and there his and! Class that youve always wanted to delve into fulfilling every kind of of! Dynamic for his entire life for 2 years, I flew back to my residence and his... I flew back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to delve into ever. The process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create boundaries... To know that youre willing to give and take to make matters,., is not possible views or tell them that they are wrong for those! Any wrong going on he takes his family members, but I will try to criticize views... Anything is possible can be incredibly hurtful, and one that can be... Can easily be made worse with the wrong approach already has a wife and fulfilling kind. Okay my husband chooses his family over me islam this issue, make your self-care an absolute priority an example of Meenu Rajesh! Roots lie deep and it requires a lot of minor and major crisis underestimates me by calling names struggling your...

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